Here goes to being a stupid teenager and learning things about life our parents warned us about. But learning for ourselves.
I’ve concluded that there are more sad than happy people by far. Why are we this way, and why is there eternal suffering it seems? I can’t say it’s gotten worse but it probably has over the century. Medicine, drugs, poverty, more problems that arise. We’re in a constant struggle and we just want to be happy, content. My grandma once told me she was finished trying for everything to be perfect, she just wanted to be content and from then on could roll with the punches. But there are so many depressed people out there in different ways. I met someone yesterday that kinda opened up to me about his life who I’ve only talked to once ever. You don’t talk to many people nonchalantly about death and drugs as we did but it’s a part of the whole cycle. I hate seeing people miserable and cover it up with other things. I hope he’s okay.
When I think of you, I think of cigarettes
And when you’re not here it gets
a little uneasy, like the feeling
I had when I first smoked one.
‘But honey, you’re smooth’
So when the lighters come out
I don’t feel the need to move
Because I like to think you’re right there with me,
Holding me in your chest.
well. I began a conversation with my mom about how my step sister is pregnant, and ended up talking about her sex situation.. Then mine.. And I had no idea I was going to be talking about that for the next hour. She was mad that I didn’t tell her in the first place, and how I was acting like it was no big deal, but then she pulled the disappointment card because I lied to her twice about wanting to wait. What the fuckkkkk mom.. It was perfectly fine and with a great person and all that that should matter and I waited until I was ready, not forced, etc. I was a few months from being eighteen while every fucking girl, I swear, was fourteen and fifteen. I’m just glad it wasn’t with someone i would’ve regretted. And she asked me about this past guy and I said no. I couldn’t handle it because she told me ahead of time to not because he lived far away and it would cause more emotional stress on me. I had to awkwardly explain then too that I wasn’t ready and I didn’t wanna get involved with people. But he was a different story, whether if we didn’t have sex or not, I wanted to be involved with him. But now she’s upset knowing I did and didn’t tell her about lucas like OKAY mom let me tell you about the most personal awkward first experience I had, but don’t get upset alright? It’s a normal, human, natural thing. Had to happen sooner or later. Aaaaand she’ll be thinking about that all night and won’t sleep and will get sad and blah. Sorry mom.
One of the the other happiest times in my life, more simpler, was getting drunk with my best friend for the first time at her old house. It was the last night of summer and we wanted to celebrate. She has no idea that that night meant a lot to me, just talking about the past five years together and all the great things we accomplished/got through together or just had fun with. When I think about our friendship I think of it in phases by the three different places she lived in these past six years now. We’re the complete opposite but someone she’s my bestfriend and nobody fucks with our compatibility. I don’t care how much she annoys me, I made a promise to her in seventh grade that I’d always be there for her. I believed we were placed in eachothers lives to keep us alive. That was a really good night, being all sweaty by the pool side and just rolling around on the carpet in her room. We figured out we’ve meant more to each other than we thought and she will always be my best friend. I love her no matter what. Thanks Sarah.
Some of the happiest moments in my life have happened this past year though. I had my first ‘long’ normal relationship last summer and that the longest amount of time in high school that I was truly happy. I really enjoyed his company, his optimism and simplicity. We never fought, he never got his feelings hurt, and he was always there for me and I was always there for him. He was an intellect but made bad grades, the next Jimi Hendrix and Gandhi combined, yet he lacked something. I got tired of him. I traded him for someone who was ‘more exciting’ and learned he was too controlling. He lanky goofy ass motherfucker but he was sweet. He was the first boyfriend I ever had that was loyal to me, wanted to see me on the regular, and genuinely cared for my own being. He taught me things no one else will and we went on adventures together all the time. We broke up for a multitude of reasons, drugs and clingyness being two, but I just couldn’t stay put. I got scared.
Im really happy with the person I am, not always, but as an overall summary of myself im content with what I stand for and how I’ve developed as of now. If I could pick something I like about myself is my mind, my thought processes, and how I think things out. That backfires on me a lot but it’s been such a benefit. I feel like I’ve got to experience and take purpose in things that dont get credit as they should.. And I dont know where my thoughts/beliefs came from. I dont think like my mom or my dad, its just been snippets of people, especially my teachers in high school I guess. I love to learn. I absolutely love to sit with people one on one and be told things ive never known, or just stories. Im a big listener and it makes me feel more complete. I’ve never felt the need to be inebriated to ‘find myself’ or to ‘be happy’ or ‘to experience things.’ People have told me theyve opened up so much more because of drugs and alcohol.. I mean ive done them, but my thoughts have all come sober before I even tried anything. Im proud that I get high from learning and adventuring with people, being outside, working hard, being lazy, talking to elders, making art and reading. Its really a great feeling. but my mind has fucked me over in so many ways possible as well.
Basically what I can take from this is that I tried. I’m past the ‘its all my fault, whats wrong with me, I’m an annoying fuck’ stage and realize that I’m just not what he’s looking for. its not a ‘me’ or a ‘he’ thing, it’s a ‘we’ thing. things change and that’s okay. we move on.
