i cant do this. im a sensitive baby who gets attached too easily and doesnt know how to just be. stop while you can so I dont fuck anything up anymore. idk how you did this, you were right.
I like coincidences and things you cant explain, paradoxes, fate, the unknown. I dont like to be sure. It’s not exciting that way. Even fate itself is a paradox because it’s predestined, but we dont know what the hell it’s going to decide anyway.
I dont really know if there’s a sole purpose for us to live and walk and breathe on this earth, if the purpose is to find that purpose or realize there is none.. that maybe that we’re just designed to find meaning in things and that there are multiple goals within mankind. Most of the time I feel like a tiny mouse on a wheel just running- and being watched. Watched by others while I continue my lifestyle, looking for something else to do. I dont really think there is a point to life, lives, the living. We’re just here to be watched and to entertain.. to find joy and suffering in and learn and process and bounce off of eachother, the creators, the scientists.
When I’ve been thinking lately, holistically and to myself, I dont envision a purpose anymore. I believe I was here to serve others and thats all. I now think in fractals, that another form of life is looking over us as we do our mice and toads and newts and lizards in a cage, and how they look after their young, etc. Everything’s infinite and cyclicle and just.. tiresome. Is there an end? Will there ever be, of literally just everything? We really are little bitty things on a much larger scale. And its like, im sitting here crying understanding my unimportance while simultaneously believing that I truly am not important. Im a little thing with vocal chords all choked up letting days go by, contemplating whether or not I can make some sort of change. because im wired that way. we all are. we seek gratification and any sort of recognition we can get. But im still a speck just being watched for every second on the clock, unsure and unable to make use of my capabilities.
And thats where depression comes from- feeling inadequate, unimportant, useless, a small speck. The depressed are the realists who understand how life works, or how it lacks in working, and understand the people within it. We dont get all of it, but it disgusts us, and we think we cant do anything to make it better. But define better? Where did these emotions and tendencies and universal ‘morals’ come from? Who ultimately decided that these beings will carry out lives different from each other.
And so I just sit here and write and paint and love all I can until the day I die. Will that be rewarding to me, im not sure. Will I live another life, be able to look back, and think.. yeah, you did a good job alexis. It’s been funny to see how I’ve changed the past eighteen years, the past four years, the past month even. I will not be the same person after I type this out which excites and leaves me uneasy.
The process of uncovering and learning are rewarding, yet trivial, even though it’s what I want most. I put myself in these spider webs and never know how to get out but there’s something about being stuck and figuring things out that makes me believe there will be a better day. I’m not really sure where I am in that process, either the build up to getting stuck, actually being stuck, or released. I feel like that line is blurry and the cycle itself is blurry so therefor I am blurry. But it’s still exciting and all worthwhile to me, maybe. but who even cares if it is or isnt, im just here and im gonna try to find some beauty out of all of it. because im wired that way. even if I dont know what the fuck im saying someone out there gets it. I hope.
but basically, I’m overbooked, no emotional vacancy.
In the span of two weeks I have found out that my sister is pregnant, my mom is taking yet another serious clinical testing thing that may or may not help all these things that are wrong with her, along with her finally ‘legally suing’ my dad basically for 30,000 is child support, they owe 10,000 in taxes, within the next month we’ll be packing up and moving farther away up north, I’ve broken up with my boyfriend that neither of us have time for eachother, gone crazy over another, and have renounced myself of a religion, have found some sort of enlightenment, and may either quit my job or ask to be a manager. I am in fucking limbo and it’s hard to see the bright side of life. Don’t ask me about any of this it just needs to be said.
I feel like not sleeping is becoming some sort of self harm. I just cant do it and I stay up thinking I dont need to sleep and turn into this fucking crazy person that doesnt make sense at four in the morning while the past month has been the same. I havent gotten more than six hours in about two weeks, and oversleeping the two weeks before that. Id go to sleep at five and wake up at two and now its going to sleep around four and waking up at eight. It sucks how it affects ones health so much.. I cant see straight, I get headaches, im really hungry, and Im really sensitive. All I wanna do is cry and then not sleep some more just to drive myself even further than the next night. Todays just been weird. I dont know if im making the right choices but I really feel good about him. You do crazy fucking things for people and I would because im fucking crazy myself. Fuck.
And I’ve never sworn as much as I have in the past two weeks ever.
How do I already have all of these things I want to say to you. So many things I want to say but never do because I replace them with silly statements to ease my mind but they just end up making you believe I’m not one of your kind.
But for real, I wonder what it’s like to love an artist. I’ve dated musical artists, wonderfully talented people who love the art of music. I love music, along with everyone else basically, but these people breathe it. But I want to fall in love with a visual artist. A painter, a sculptor, a designer.. Someone who has the same passion/frustration I have when it comes to doing what we love most. But with that comes so many burdens I know I carry myself and artists in general are some pretty screwed up people. But I just wonder what it’s like. I came close once, but he was just a part time ‘I like art’ sort of thing.
Im so lame but i have all these fantasies.
I wanna have those late nights together in a studio just tearing shit up on whatever we’re working on, call it a night and be the restless bastards that we are and stay up even longer together. I want half my sketch book to be naked drawings of the best model I can afford. I can’t hope for an ideal man because there never will be one, but I’ve never loved an artist yet. I look at myself and see how mentally unorganized I can be and wonder how that would feed into a relationship with a like minded individual. Fuck. I need a creative being again. That’s really all I miss right now. But my baby is pretty great nonetheless.. He shows me I don’t need to enjoy someone like myself. We get along in other ways.
The Scorpio and Sagittarius.
can we lay